Almost there...

Last night, I came to terms with my whirlwind of emotions and today has been a much better day! I realized that I was mainly freaking out about how long the surgery was going to take because I have never had a surgery this long. Well guess what Taylor, you're knocked out the entire time and you wake up when it's over, duh. 

The other thing I have been upset about is feeling guilty for being nervous. Why would I feel guilty for being nervous? I have felt guilty because I don't have cancer and I have felt as though it isn't fair to people who do have cancer for me to be scared when I am currently healthy. I got up the courage to ask a breast cancer survivor their input on my emotions and I was shocked at the answer I received. She explained to me that my difficult decision to have this surgery was just that, a difficult decision. She said that it was absolutely a reason to be scared, nervous, or whatever else I was feeling. She continued on saying that when you are diagnosed with cancer, this surgery isn't an option like it is for someone trying to prevent cancer. The fact that this was an option I chose gives me all the reason in the world to have all of these crazy emotions. She made me feel completely justified in my nerves and I thank her for that. 

In lighter news, my awesome Aunt Kathy came through again with more things that I will need throughout this journey! This time in the form of fabulous button down dress length pajamas! I have heard that after this surgery, it is difficult to move to take bottoms on and off. With these, I will be able to get them on easy, because they button all the way down the front, and are long enough not to worry about pants. Who likes pants anyways? 

 

It is interesting to me what other people realize that you will need that I would have never imagined needing. I would have walked into the hospital with an extra t-shirt and my toothbrush and thought I was ahead of the game. Thank god for all the wonderful people around me! 

I had my pre-admission testing today and walked into the hospital blindly, as I had no idea what that meant. My dad came along for moral support, which was nice because I was so nervous! The 'testing' portion of this appointment was only blood work! Easiest test I've ever taken! After the nurse took my blood she escorted me into an office where another nurse waited. This nurse asked a series of questions including: family history of cancer, what medications I take, if I drink or smoke, and other standard medical history questions. After she was through verifying all my records were correctly in the computer, she added to the list of things I needed to do to prepare for Thursday. One of them being these bottles of soap...

 

This is surgical scrub! I am not sure if all hospitals give their patients this before big surgeries or if it's just a Florida Hospital thing, but I like it! Basically, after I have completed my shower I go back, wash my entire body with this stuff, let it sit on my skin for 3 minutes, and then wash it off! Doing this, plus cleaning my bed sheets today, and using a new towel and wash cloth for each shower until my surgery are all supposed to help lessen the likelihood of infection after surgery! My skin now smells extra fabulous!

At first, I thought it was random but then when she explained it lessened the likelihood of infection, I was all about it! The other thing I thought was random is that I am not allowed to wear deodorant on the day of the surgery. At first I was like, pshh I am wearing some deodorant, but then I realized part of the surgery goes into my armpit so it makes sense! Obviously, these doctors have thought of everything! 

Another thing I didn't think of: Where/how I was going to wear these drains for the next several weeks. I ask around and many people pin them to their bra or a string around their neck, but the thought of that made me nervous! What if I accidentally pulled the string or something? Eeek. My cousin, Jill, got this surgical belt online and explained that it has already made her life much easier!

It is basically a Velcro belt with four pouches, one for each drain. The pouches detach so you can put them anywhere on the belt that is comfortable. Why didn't I think of this?!  I will let you know after surgery how useful I think it is, but it looks like it's going to be great! 

I made a pact with myself that yesterday will be the hardest day throughout this journey for me. There will be pain, sadness, anxiety, nervousness, and a million other emotions but I will no longer let them get the best of me. I am doing a great thing for myself and in the process helping to inform others. I obviously have to keep reminding myself of these things, but it keeps me going! After Thursday, I am sure my outlook on all of this will be much brighter anyways, as the hard part will be over! 

My song for the day is Beautiful by Mariah Carey featuring Miguel. When you are feeling down for the day, make sure that you remember 'Good lord, you're freaking beautiful, so beautiful' inside and out! Don't ever forget that!

One more day... Happy Tuesday, y'all.