Why haven't you been blogging?

People ask me all the time, "Why haven't you been blogging?" I try to come up with some big explanation, but at the end of the day, it's simply because I don't want to blog! I started to feel like I needed to write every day and it began to feel like a job. I know what you're thinking... you don't need to write every day, but just keep writing. Well here I am, trying again.

I can't even remember the last time I blogged, so I will do a short recap of this process, mainly for myself. I had my surgery on July 17th, it sucked. I have been recovering ever since, had two infections, and am finally close to finishing the expanding process after almost 5 months. 

I go see Dr.P almost once a week, so him and his staff are basically family. I feel like I have expanded a million times, but I am at around a full B on my right and just a normal B on my left. I think I have three more expansions until I am finished with that part. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus. 

Interesting fact: I started to get lonely there for a while. Lonely? When you have all of these people supporting you through this process? I know, right? I am not the lonely type by any means, so when I started to feel that way, I knew it was bad news bears. The good news is that my boyfriend, the gym, helped me through that period of time and I am back on the other side.  

Lonely is not a good feeling. Even when people are reassuring you that it's normal to feel that way during this process, you're still like "No one knows what I'm going through, this is hard, I hate it, and I am all by myself." If you just read that in a whiny, girly voice... that's what I was going for...

People don't realize that sometimes you don't need to hear "you're fine, it's really not that bad, you're doing great," you need to hear that it sucks. Having someone sit back and say that made me feel so justified in my emotions and helped me get over that obstacle. It's like admitting you have a problem, once you admit it, you can fix it. Well once you realize the situation sucks, you can change things about it to make it better.

I feel like my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy currently defines me as a person and I am working very hard to change that temporary mind set.  I have always been the independent, career minded, hard worker, who is going to rule the world, and let life fall into place as I go.... I am finally starting to get back on that path. 

As I am writing this blog, I am realizing I just don't enjoy this like I did at the beginning of this journey. I thought it would be like the gym, when you force yourself to go and then you're so glad you did. Yeah, not happening here. This journey has sucked, just sucked. I have hit every branch on the fall out of this tree and I guess blogging reminds me of that. Well, what does that mean?

I think it can mean several things: I may never write a blog post again, but you can rest easy knowing that I am in such a positive place that I don't want to revisit this memory anymore; I will write again because I am having a hard time, lord I hope that's not the case; or I start writing again because I am so far past this point in my life that I enjoy it again. Fingers crossed for the third option, y'all. 

For now: I will write when anything happens in my surgical process, continuing to give you every detail you want (or don't want). Otherwise, I think my writing will stay at a similar pace: non-existent. I am working hard and doing great things with Florida Hospital and that is enough time on the computer each day for me. 

As always, thanks for the continued support during my extremely s l o w expansion process. Special shout out to the few friends who have stuck by me through this: you're few and far between, but you know who you are and I love you very much! 

Because of you all my song of the day is James Taylor- You've got a friend because well.. just listen to the lyrics. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEkIou3WFnM 

Cherish this time with your family in the coming days and give extra hugs to your loved ones just because you can. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. xxoo. 

Stand tall, it gets a little better...

It's October? Where did August and September go? October is the best month of the year for so many reason: the beginning of Fall, St. Mary Mag Fall Festival, pumpkin everything, Halloween, THE START OF BASKETBALL SEASON, and most importantly, it is Breast Cancer awareness month. Most people are aware of breast cancer, but many forget to take the steps to detect the disease.

One of the things that companies do to promote breast cancer awareness is turn everything pink. I mean literally everything. I went to Tijuana Flats and you can pay an extra dollar, that gets donated to breast cancer research, to have pink tacos. Pink Tacos!!! One of my friends from work went to a local bar and got a pink bud light. How can you possibly not want to get a mammogram after drinking a few pink bud lights? ha.

While I have always thought that October was awesome, this October is different for me. It is literally brings tears to my eyes every time I walk into a business with pink everywhere. Walking into a place like Ulta with pink displays, Tijuana Flats with pink tacos, and bars with pink beers tells me that I am surrounded by people supporting the decision I made as a woman.

I am not going to lie, I've been having a hard time. Who wouldn't? If you said you, well you're just extra awesome. I needed a little October in my life I guess... I needed to turn on Sunday football and see my Niner boys in pink gloves and cleats, and I definitely need to see my Tar Heels in some pink Jordan's. I'm waiting...

I realize that I am probably harder on myself than your average Joe. I want to be 100% all the time and it's just not realistic. If you're in this process and you're like "man, does it hurt to use my arm after 5 hours of work," well 5 hours of work is all you need to do. I know what you're thinking, "but in my mind I can work the full 8 hours." Well, I have the same super women complex that you do and recent memories of days in bed full of pain quietly remind me to chill out. 

There's good news: I am back over the hump and running towards the finish line. I am going to see Dr.P on Friday to hopefully start expanding again. I took antibiotics for a little over a week, spent way too much time in bed, and watched around 100 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, but I am getting back in the game! 

How am I going to get back in the game? Well, I went back to work on Monday and it felt great! I keep saying I am going to go to the gym and then I get some bad news, but this time I am going to the gym. Tomorrow. 

What else am I doing? I actually have some exciting things going on this month. Tomorrow, I have a photo shoot to be featured in Florida Hospital's magazine Best in Care, where they will talk about my decision to go through this process. I was also chosen to be featured in the Orlando Sentinel on Halloween by the Susan G. Komen foundation to spread awareness about the BRCA gene mutation. 

It is an overwhelming experience to be reaching my goal, which is to spread awareness about  BRCA. I have decided in reaching my goal that it's time to set a new one. When you fill out your family history at the doctors office, I want doctors to read your history and tell you about the gene mutation. When that doctor or nurse reads that your mom and grandma had breast cancer, or that the line of men in your family have all had prostate cancer, they should be automatically informing you of the gene mutation, the testing, ,and the preventative measures.

Why don't doctors already do this? I literally have no idea, but I am going to change that. Watch me.

Anyways, if you're interested in breast cancer events in Florida, you should join the Pink Army.  I think it asks you for a referring person, so my ID is 50616. You can find information about awesome things like Pink in the Paint, Race for the Cure, or the Southern Women's Show. All of these events and many more are in some way supporting breast cancer awareness and everyone should try to be involved! 

My song of the day is Stand Tall by the Dirty Heads. I picked this song because it warms my heart to listen to the chorus and think about the month of October and everyone coming together to find the cure for breast cancer. 

Together we need to stand tall, it gets a little better. I see the wall that we can break down together. Stand strong, it gets a little better now. We can break it down, yes, we can break it. Together, we will stand tall, break down the wall, and finally beat breast cancer.

I hope everyone's weekend comes quickly and stays for a while :) See you soon. 

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger...

I lack all motivation to write this blog anymore. I think it is probably because this process hasn't gone as planned and I am pouting. Yes, pouting. I am allowed to pout because this process is no stroll in the park.

What's going on now? Well lets see.. I started expanding on my left side and got a little ahead of myself on the excitement scale. I finally thought 'Thank sweet baby Jesus, I am over the bumps in the road and there's a light at the end of the tunnel.' Way to get ahead of yourself, Taylor.

Yesterday, as I sat at my computer inputting hundreds of numbers because it's budget season, I noticed my pain quickly increasing on my left side. I work with literally hundreds of physical therapist so I asked two of my favorites for suggestions on how to cope with the pain. They explained to me that it was probably scar tissue and that I needed to just work it slowly and not to over do it. By the time noon rolled around, I had given up on using my left arm at all and by 3:00 I had to throw in the towel. My entire left side was throbbing and every time I moved my left arm it felt like my armpit was literally ripping. Yes, ripping. OUCH.

I came home, threw on my pajamas, grabbed some ice packs, took some pain meds, and jumped into bed for a Grey Anatomy marathon. I thought that after an hour or so, the pain medications would be doing their job and I would probably be pain free and asleep. This of course was the exact opposite of what happened. After 4 hours of icing and two doses of pain medications I took the consistent advice of my grandpa to 'get myself a nice hot shower' and then get back into bed. That's my grandpa's go to 'well get yourself a nice hot shower and go to bed' and usually, it works! 

As I went to get into the shower, I brushed my left side to notice that my normally hard expander felt like a bag of air under my skin. I also noticed that I had extreme redness all around my nipple area, and it looked like I had a golf ball under my skin. Did you freak out? Are you kidding me? Of course I freaked out. I tried to calm myself down and push through my shower but by the time I got out I was half way into a panic attack. 

I pulled myself together... kind of... and waited for my mom to get home to verify the change in my appearance for me before I contacted my doctor. Long story short, I am now on antibiotics for the next 7 days and if these antibiotics don't help I will be admitted into the hospital next Tuesday for an infection.

An infection? How does that happen? Basically, anything out of the norm that enters my body is attracted to these expanders since they're foreign objects and the likeliness of infection is more common than I thought.

There's a chance it could not be an infection and the expander could have a leak. The good thing about the leak is that it's just a saline solution in my expanders, so it doesn't hurt me if it leaks into my body. It could also be my body rejecting the expanders all together. I am now in a waiting game to see what happens.

In the mean time, my expanding process has been put on pause until whatever this is goes away. If it is an infection, they will have to try to save the expander and I will have to wait at least 6 months to start the expanding process back up again. And I thought a month with one boob was bad. Ha.

I am not going to lie... this totally sucks but you know what? I will take this process over battling cancer any day. When this is all said and done, I will have a long, healthy life to enjoy these very expensive cancer-free boobs that I have been patiently waiting for...

On the lighter side of things, remember when I told you one of my best friends was getting married and I had to sit on the side lines because of this process? Well that beautiful event was this past Friday. Look how gorgeous it turned out...

Although I wasn't actually in the wedding, BeLinda went out of her way to make me feel as included as possible on her special day. 

Isn't she the most beautiful bride you've ever seen?! She looked like a princess. 

I am so blessed to have Mr. and Mrs.Beason as two my of best friends and neighbors. I wish you both all the love and happiness in the universe. Love you guys so much!

The other great news, I finally got a medical bill for my mastectomy. It's good news that you got a giant medical bill? Well, no... but I am incredibly blessed because my insurance company is standing behind me in this process and I owe zero dollars. I know some insurance companies don't pay for this surgery yet, so I am very fortunate to have one of the companies that does. 

The top number is the cost of my surgery so far, and the second number is my amount due. See what I mean? Blessed. 

As I continue down this bumpy road, I hope that I continue to encourage people to get tested for the BRCA gene mutation. I am an example of probably everything that could go wrong in this process which may scare you a little, but as bumpy as my road as been, it will never be as bumpy as the road of someone battling cancer. It is hard, exhausting, mentally draining, and painful, but it is worth it. Take the plunge and go get tested because knowledge is power.

Light at the end of the tunnel...

Today has been the day that I have been patiently awaiting... a normal doctors visit. I have had so many ups and downs with this procedure thus far, that I basically dread going to the doctor. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my plastic surgeon and his staff, but constantly hearing bad news week after week gets down right exhausting. To be completely honest, last week I got so nervous going to the doctors' that I ended up crying before I was even in the examination room! Hey, if you got bad news week after week, you'd feel the same way!

I've finally got a smile back on my face!

Anyways, today I finally got an idea of when all this madness will be over! It will take 6 weeks for my rapid expansion, going once a week, and then 6 weeks with the expanders at desired size 'settling' before I have the exchange to put in the implants. So twelve weeks from now, I will again go under the knife and be so so close to the finish line! Why do you keep the expanders for 6 weeks after you reach your desired size? Good question! All I really understood about that today was that you have to give the expanders and your body time to settle before you do the exchange. I'll ask more questions when I am in that 'settling' period. 

The other great thing that happened today was that I started expanding on my left side! I have around 60 cc's on that side, which is still incredibly flat chested, but it's more than I had yesterday! On my right side, I reached around 300 cc's, which is similar to a full A cup. I know what you're thinking... 'You're excited to have one full A cup breast?' If you had been looking at the chest that I have been looking at since July 17th, you'd be doing back flips for this baby-sized boob I've got!

So that you can share in my excitement for my progress, I will post a picture. I don't want to weird anyone out, but here is one of the dimples that I have developed in my chest having no fat cells...

 

Now, you may be thinking 'oh that's not so bad.' But when you add in the dimple on the other side, the caving in that my chest does next to where my armpit meets the side of my body on both sides, the huge scars I have on both sides, and the continued bruising... it weighs on my mind.  To finally be able to see progress and know that I will not be completely botched forever is an indescribable feeling. Telling yourself it's temporary is one thing, seeing it is another.

Oh, I forgot more good news I got today: I CAN START WORKING OUT AGAIN. Well, kind of... My doctor said that I can ride the bike at the gym, work my lower half, and go in the sauna. Again, while this may not sound exciting for you, but it was like hearing I got a pony on Christmas morning for me! 

As always, I want to thank you all for staying with me during this period where I have been the worst blogger in the world, because I haven't been writing. In this period of gray, I have found an even deeper connection with music. It amazes me to be able to turn on a song and feel like the person singing it knows exactly what i'm going through... it's like they're right there with you, supporting you through your struggles. I listen to 'I believe' by Soja literally everyday on the way to work and on the way home. The lyrics in this song make me believe in myself all over again every morning and afternoon. These particular words have given me some of the strength to start writing this blog again so I want to share them with you... 
  

I kinda been struggling                                                             

The fire on my tongue’s been challenging                                            

But even the wise ones be stumbling                                               

So pick your heart up here and walk tall

Bright- eyed deliverance 

Everything you say’s significant

So speak your truth, be spirited

You’re beautiful and bold, so carry on.

The second part of these lyrics really gets to me because I had a friend from high school reach out and say something very similar. He explained to me that one of his parents has cancer and my blog has helped him in this incredibly difficult time. He said that while what we're going through is not the same, we have similar emotions and I make him feel justified and normal. He ended up giving me most of the strength to write this blog today, and he may never know it! Knowing that my words can help other people in tough times makes it all worth it!

I challenge everyone to stop reading my blog right now and hug someone you love! Why? Well because it has hurt me for weeks now to hug anyone and lord does it feel good to give someone a hug! I mean who doesn't love hugs? I am going to the gym tomorrow, so as long as I am not in excruciating pain afterwards, i'll write again tomorrow! Love you all and thanks again for sticking with me!

A humbling moment...

Today did not begin as one of the grandest days, as I felt sick all day from the amount of pain I was in on my left side. I pushed through the day with a semi-smile on my face working my 8 hour shift. I am blessed to be in the position that I am at Florida Hospital, surrounded by people supporting me through this journey and keeping my mind off of the negatives with laughter and bagels. 

After work, I came home to anxiously await 7:00, as the polls were closing in Seminole County. See, I worked with my neighbor, Sandi Solomon, on her political campaign to keep her seat as Casselberry City Commissioner, Seat 3. Sandi has put her heart and soul into this city, already being a commissioner for 8 years, and I am happy to announce that she will be serving 4 more! Congratulations, Mrs.Sandi!

Sandi's campaign was the first political campaign I had ever assisted in, so being there to hear the news of her winning, regardless of pain, was something I had to do. Seeing her face as she received the phone call to congratulate her is something I will never forget! 

When I went to Mrs. Sandi's house to hear the results of the election. I thought I would pop in, give some hugs, and come home back to my bed. Instead, I ran into a woman whom may never know how much she genuinely touched my heart and lifted my spirits. 

This particular woman had uterine cancer and has been cancer free for exactly one year! Amazing, I know.  She explained all kinds of things to me in her wisdom of this process, but one thing stuck out the most. I asked if she was familiar with the BRCA gene mutation and her response was "Oh yes, I have sat there through the chemo treatments next to women who wish they would have gotten the preventative surgery, but opted not to do so."

I am not going to even begin to try to explain all of the emotions that I felt when she said that to me. I will never be one of those women. It is the most empowering, humbling, happy, overwhelming, ect. feeling to know that I will not be one of those women sitting there receiving chemo treatments for breast cancer because I made this decision. At 24 years young, I decided to fight back against cancer and not even give that sucker a chance. I saved my own life. 

All of the emotions...

I am just going to drive right into it, y'all...

My plan to write about the expanding process when I went to the doctor on Tuesday didn't occur because the expanding didn't occur. Well, half of it did. See, my right side has completely healed and my left side has not. I found out on Tuesday that instead of leaving with two spacers of 120 cc's in them, I would be leaving with one. Yes, that's right... one boob. Currently, the fluid isn't enough to make a noticeable difference and I still look completely flat chested, but I will have a time where it is noticeably different. Just what I needed through this 'easy' process, right?

What's happening on your left side? Oh, my left side of my body apparently hates me. That's right... 39 days after surgery I still have a large area that isn't healed. Cool. What are they going to do? I am having another procedure on Wednesday where they're going to cut away that area and then reseal my skin. Luckily, this one is just at the office with local anesthesia. 

What does this mean? Well it means all kinds of super fun stuff. Not. See, when they do the mastectomy they leave 'flaps' of skin so that your boobs look as natural as possible when the process is over. By flaps, I mean the skin is kind of loose to give the tear-drop effect of a 'normal-looking' boob. Since my left side has been healing for so long, my flaps are starting to grow back. It's basically like when you lose weight and your skin is looser for a little while and then eventually tightens up! What does it mean now that my flaps are tightening to my chest? It means that my doctor will be 'aggressively expanding' on my right side and on my left side, it will have to heal and then they will begin rapid expansion.  Rapid expansion on either side means more pain and swelling.

You're either thinking two things right now... one being "wow, that sucks" or the other being "what's the big deal? You can put a sock in your bra on the left side until your chest evens out and take some advil." If you're one of the people thinking 'what's the big deal?' You better not say that to my face, because I might kick you. 

One of the first things that sucks about having this extra procedure (besides the procedure itself) and prolonged process, is no longer getting to be a part of one of my best friends weddings. As if I haven't had enough, I had to take the time to explain to one of my best friends that I would not be walking down the isle with her, 3 weeks before her wedding, because I've had another thing go wrong. Thankfully, she is a wonderful person and completely understands all of my complications and my efforts to try to be a part of her special day have just fallen short. 

Another thing that totally sucks is that I just want this to be over with already. I literally feel trapped inside my own body. I went to my cousins house yesterday to hang out and make dinner and had to leave before dinner was even ready because the swelling and pain was so bad that I couldn't handle it any longer. I just want to be normal. I want to go to dinner with my friends and not have to worry about someone bumping into me, I want to be in my friends wedding, and I want to go to the beach when it's 100 degrees outside. I mean can a girl live a little or what?

I find myself feeling completely hopeless in that I just want to have one day of normalcy, just one. Instead, I am having to do things like debate a weekend at the beach with my family because of the potential to be sore and swollen. Or even worse, if I had to take away from the family fun for someone to take care of me. Dear lord, if I could have anything... it would be to at least be to be able to take care of myself right now. I went from being completely independent to completely dependent. For all my independent friends out there, I'm sure thinking about that just kicked your anxiety into high gear. 

I realized that I was hiding from my blog. What do you mean hiding? I wanted to continue to be seen as the strong, independent woman that I am, but if I am being with honest with myself and you all... that's not who I am right now. In order to keep pushing through this process, I had to admit that to you and myself, and then quickly remind myself that I will again be that person. Soon enough. 

While I am being completely honest, I have cried writing this entire post because that's how much this process is just mentally kicking my butt right now. I have to realize that I am not unbreakable and can't carry the weight of the world, even though I would like to... 

I don't want anyone to start feeling bad for me, as that is not the reason for this raw post. I also don't want to scare anyone away from this process because through all of the emotions that I have had so far, not even for one second have I regretted my decision. I have had way more bumps in the road than your average Joe, making this journey extra mentally and physically exhausting. 

What am I going to do now? I am going to keep writing. Maybe not every day, but I will keep writing my journey. I am also going to walk out into my kitchen and eat the biggest spoon full of Nutella in the world as a reward for finally mustering up the courage to tell everyone that I am struggling right now. Don't worry-- I know that soon enough this will all be a faint memory and I will be looking forward to a long and healthy life. 

My song of the day is Clean Bandit- Rather be, because it is so fun to listen to as loud as possible in my car. Check it out!

Thanks for sticking with me through all of this... you're the best <3

Taking a break...

I decided last week to take a little break from blogging! Blogging went from being awesome and a way to put my feelings out there, to feeling like a chore. I don't want to feel that way about writing, so I've decided to pause until I start expanding.

I start expanding late next week, so I will start back up blogging then. 

If I'm being completely honest, starting a new job in the midst of this sore, emotional roller coaster is way more difficult than anticipated. Don't worry, I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and I will come out stronger than ever after all of this! 

In order to come out spirits high with a smile on my face, I will be using my free time to watch shark week and sleep! 

Continued thanks for hanging in there with me and I will see everyone next week! 

PS. My first day at Florida Hospital was just as awesome as anticipated!