Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger...

I lack all motivation to write this blog anymore. I think it is probably because this process hasn't gone as planned and I am pouting. Yes, pouting. I am allowed to pout because this process is no stroll in the park.

What's going on now? Well lets see.. I started expanding on my left side and got a little ahead of myself on the excitement scale. I finally thought 'Thank sweet baby Jesus, I am over the bumps in the road and there's a light at the end of the tunnel.' Way to get ahead of yourself, Taylor.

Yesterday, as I sat at my computer inputting hundreds of numbers because it's budget season, I noticed my pain quickly increasing on my left side. I work with literally hundreds of physical therapist so I asked two of my favorites for suggestions on how to cope with the pain. They explained to me that it was probably scar tissue and that I needed to just work it slowly and not to over do it. By the time noon rolled around, I had given up on using my left arm at all and by 3:00 I had to throw in the towel. My entire left side was throbbing and every time I moved my left arm it felt like my armpit was literally ripping. Yes, ripping. OUCH.

I came home, threw on my pajamas, grabbed some ice packs, took some pain meds, and jumped into bed for a Grey Anatomy marathon. I thought that after an hour or so, the pain medications would be doing their job and I would probably be pain free and asleep. This of course was the exact opposite of what happened. After 4 hours of icing and two doses of pain medications I took the consistent advice of my grandpa to 'get myself a nice hot shower' and then get back into bed. That's my grandpa's go to 'well get yourself a nice hot shower and go to bed' and usually, it works! 

As I went to get into the shower, I brushed my left side to notice that my normally hard expander felt like a bag of air under my skin. I also noticed that I had extreme redness all around my nipple area, and it looked like I had a golf ball under my skin. Did you freak out? Are you kidding me? Of course I freaked out. I tried to calm myself down and push through my shower but by the time I got out I was half way into a panic attack. 

I pulled myself together... kind of... and waited for my mom to get home to verify the change in my appearance for me before I contacted my doctor. Long story short, I am now on antibiotics for the next 7 days and if these antibiotics don't help I will be admitted into the hospital next Tuesday for an infection.

An infection? How does that happen? Basically, anything out of the norm that enters my body is attracted to these expanders since they're foreign objects and the likeliness of infection is more common than I thought.

There's a chance it could not be an infection and the expander could have a leak. The good thing about the leak is that it's just a saline solution in my expanders, so it doesn't hurt me if it leaks into my body. It could also be my body rejecting the expanders all together. I am now in a waiting game to see what happens.

In the mean time, my expanding process has been put on pause until whatever this is goes away. If it is an infection, they will have to try to save the expander and I will have to wait at least 6 months to start the expanding process back up again. And I thought a month with one boob was bad. Ha.

I am not going to lie... this totally sucks but you know what? I will take this process over battling cancer any day. When this is all said and done, I will have a long, healthy life to enjoy these very expensive cancer-free boobs that I have been patiently waiting for...

On the lighter side of things, remember when I told you one of my best friends was getting married and I had to sit on the side lines because of this process? Well that beautiful event was this past Friday. Look how gorgeous it turned out...

Although I wasn't actually in the wedding, BeLinda went out of her way to make me feel as included as possible on her special day. 

Isn't she the most beautiful bride you've ever seen?! She looked like a princess. 

I am so blessed to have Mr. and Mrs.Beason as two my of best friends and neighbors. I wish you both all the love and happiness in the universe. Love you guys so much!

The other great news, I finally got a medical bill for my mastectomy. It's good news that you got a giant medical bill? Well, no... but I am incredibly blessed because my insurance company is standing behind me in this process and I owe zero dollars. I know some insurance companies don't pay for this surgery yet, so I am very fortunate to have one of the companies that does. 

The top number is the cost of my surgery so far, and the second number is my amount due. See what I mean? Blessed. 

As I continue down this bumpy road, I hope that I continue to encourage people to get tested for the BRCA gene mutation. I am an example of probably everything that could go wrong in this process which may scare you a little, but as bumpy as my road as been, it will never be as bumpy as the road of someone battling cancer. It is hard, exhausting, mentally draining, and painful, but it is worth it. Take the plunge and go get tested because knowledge is power.

Light at the end of the tunnel...

Today has been the day that I have been patiently awaiting... a normal doctors visit. I have had so many ups and downs with this procedure thus far, that I basically dread going to the doctor. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my plastic surgeon and his staff, but constantly hearing bad news week after week gets down right exhausting. To be completely honest, last week I got so nervous going to the doctors' that I ended up crying before I was even in the examination room! Hey, if you got bad news week after week, you'd feel the same way!

I've finally got a smile back on my face!

Anyways, today I finally got an idea of when all this madness will be over! It will take 6 weeks for my rapid expansion, going once a week, and then 6 weeks with the expanders at desired size 'settling' before I have the exchange to put in the implants. So twelve weeks from now, I will again go under the knife and be so so close to the finish line! Why do you keep the expanders for 6 weeks after you reach your desired size? Good question! All I really understood about that today was that you have to give the expanders and your body time to settle before you do the exchange. I'll ask more questions when I am in that 'settling' period. 

The other great thing that happened today was that I started expanding on my left side! I have around 60 cc's on that side, which is still incredibly flat chested, but it's more than I had yesterday! On my right side, I reached around 300 cc's, which is similar to a full A cup. I know what you're thinking... 'You're excited to have one full A cup breast?' If you had been looking at the chest that I have been looking at since July 17th, you'd be doing back flips for this baby-sized boob I've got!

So that you can share in my excitement for my progress, I will post a picture. I don't want to weird anyone out, but here is one of the dimples that I have developed in my chest having no fat cells...

 

Now, you may be thinking 'oh that's not so bad.' But when you add in the dimple on the other side, the caving in that my chest does next to where my armpit meets the side of my body on both sides, the huge scars I have on both sides, and the continued bruising... it weighs on my mind.  To finally be able to see progress and know that I will not be completely botched forever is an indescribable feeling. Telling yourself it's temporary is one thing, seeing it is another.

Oh, I forgot more good news I got today: I CAN START WORKING OUT AGAIN. Well, kind of... My doctor said that I can ride the bike at the gym, work my lower half, and go in the sauna. Again, while this may not sound exciting for you, but it was like hearing I got a pony on Christmas morning for me! 

As always, I want to thank you all for staying with me during this period where I have been the worst blogger in the world, because I haven't been writing. In this period of gray, I have found an even deeper connection with music. It amazes me to be able to turn on a song and feel like the person singing it knows exactly what i'm going through... it's like they're right there with you, supporting you through your struggles. I listen to 'I believe' by Soja literally everyday on the way to work and on the way home. The lyrics in this song make me believe in myself all over again every morning and afternoon. These particular words have given me some of the strength to start writing this blog again so I want to share them with you... 
  

I kinda been struggling                                                             

The fire on my tongue’s been challenging                                            

But even the wise ones be stumbling                                               

So pick your heart up here and walk tall

Bright- eyed deliverance 

Everything you say’s significant

So speak your truth, be spirited

You’re beautiful and bold, so carry on.

The second part of these lyrics really gets to me because I had a friend from high school reach out and say something very similar. He explained to me that one of his parents has cancer and my blog has helped him in this incredibly difficult time. He said that while what we're going through is not the same, we have similar emotions and I make him feel justified and normal. He ended up giving me most of the strength to write this blog today, and he may never know it! Knowing that my words can help other people in tough times makes it all worth it!

I challenge everyone to stop reading my blog right now and hug someone you love! Why? Well because it has hurt me for weeks now to hug anyone and lord does it feel good to give someone a hug! I mean who doesn't love hugs? I am going to the gym tomorrow, so as long as I am not in excruciating pain afterwards, i'll write again tomorrow! Love you all and thanks again for sticking with me!