Why haven't you been blogging?

People ask me all the time, "Why haven't you been blogging?" I try to come up with some big explanation, but at the end of the day, it's simply because I don't want to blog! I started to feel like I needed to write every day and it began to feel like a job. I know what you're thinking... you don't need to write every day, but just keep writing. Well here I am, trying again.

I can't even remember the last time I blogged, so I will do a short recap of this process, mainly for myself. I had my surgery on July 17th, it sucked. I have been recovering ever since, had two infections, and am finally close to finishing the expanding process after almost 5 months. 

I go see Dr.P almost once a week, so him and his staff are basically family. I feel like I have expanded a million times, but I am at around a full B on my right and just a normal B on my left. I think I have three more expansions until I am finished with that part. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus. 

Interesting fact: I started to get lonely there for a while. Lonely? When you have all of these people supporting you through this process? I know, right? I am not the lonely type by any means, so when I started to feel that way, I knew it was bad news bears. The good news is that my boyfriend, the gym, helped me through that period of time and I am back on the other side.  

Lonely is not a good feeling. Even when people are reassuring you that it's normal to feel that way during this process, you're still like "No one knows what I'm going through, this is hard, I hate it, and I am all by myself." If you just read that in a whiny, girly voice... that's what I was going for...

People don't realize that sometimes you don't need to hear "you're fine, it's really not that bad, you're doing great," you need to hear that it sucks. Having someone sit back and say that made me feel so justified in my emotions and helped me get over that obstacle. It's like admitting you have a problem, once you admit it, you can fix it. Well once you realize the situation sucks, you can change things about it to make it better.

I feel like my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy currently defines me as a person and I am working very hard to change that temporary mind set.  I have always been the independent, career minded, hard worker, who is going to rule the world, and let life fall into place as I go.... I am finally starting to get back on that path. 

As I am writing this blog, I am realizing I just don't enjoy this like I did at the beginning of this journey. I thought it would be like the gym, when you force yourself to go and then you're so glad you did. Yeah, not happening here. This journey has sucked, just sucked. I have hit every branch on the fall out of this tree and I guess blogging reminds me of that. Well, what does that mean?

I think it can mean several things: I may never write a blog post again, but you can rest easy knowing that I am in such a positive place that I don't want to revisit this memory anymore; I will write again because I am having a hard time, lord I hope that's not the case; or I start writing again because I am so far past this point in my life that I enjoy it again. Fingers crossed for the third option, y'all. 

For now: I will write when anything happens in my surgical process, continuing to give you every detail you want (or don't want). Otherwise, I think my writing will stay at a similar pace: non-existent. I am working hard and doing great things with Florida Hospital and that is enough time on the computer each day for me. 

As always, thanks for the continued support during my extremely s l o w expansion process. Special shout out to the few friends who have stuck by me through this: you're few and far between, but you know who you are and I love you very much! 

Because of you all my song of the day is James Taylor- You've got a friend because well.. just listen to the lyrics. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEkIou3WFnM 

Cherish this time with your family in the coming days and give extra hugs to your loved ones just because you can. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. xxoo. 

Stand tall, it gets a little better...

It's October? Where did August and September go? October is the best month of the year for so many reason: the beginning of Fall, St. Mary Mag Fall Festival, pumpkin everything, Halloween, THE START OF BASKETBALL SEASON, and most importantly, it is Breast Cancer awareness month. Most people are aware of breast cancer, but many forget to take the steps to detect the disease.

One of the things that companies do to promote breast cancer awareness is turn everything pink. I mean literally everything. I went to Tijuana Flats and you can pay an extra dollar, that gets donated to breast cancer research, to have pink tacos. Pink Tacos!!! One of my friends from work went to a local bar and got a pink bud light. How can you possibly not want to get a mammogram after drinking a few pink bud lights? ha.

While I have always thought that October was awesome, this October is different for me. It is literally brings tears to my eyes every time I walk into a business with pink everywhere. Walking into a place like Ulta with pink displays, Tijuana Flats with pink tacos, and bars with pink beers tells me that I am surrounded by people supporting the decision I made as a woman.

I am not going to lie, I've been having a hard time. Who wouldn't? If you said you, well you're just extra awesome. I needed a little October in my life I guess... I needed to turn on Sunday football and see my Niner boys in pink gloves and cleats, and I definitely need to see my Tar Heels in some pink Jordan's. I'm waiting...

I realize that I am probably harder on myself than your average Joe. I want to be 100% all the time and it's just not realistic. If you're in this process and you're like "man, does it hurt to use my arm after 5 hours of work," well 5 hours of work is all you need to do. I know what you're thinking, "but in my mind I can work the full 8 hours." Well, I have the same super women complex that you do and recent memories of days in bed full of pain quietly remind me to chill out. 

There's good news: I am back over the hump and running towards the finish line. I am going to see Dr.P on Friday to hopefully start expanding again. I took antibiotics for a little over a week, spent way too much time in bed, and watched around 100 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, but I am getting back in the game! 

How am I going to get back in the game? Well, I went back to work on Monday and it felt great! I keep saying I am going to go to the gym and then I get some bad news, but this time I am going to the gym. Tomorrow. 

What else am I doing? I actually have some exciting things going on this month. Tomorrow, I have a photo shoot to be featured in Florida Hospital's magazine Best in Care, where they will talk about my decision to go through this process. I was also chosen to be featured in the Orlando Sentinel on Halloween by the Susan G. Komen foundation to spread awareness about the BRCA gene mutation. 

It is an overwhelming experience to be reaching my goal, which is to spread awareness about  BRCA. I have decided in reaching my goal that it's time to set a new one. When you fill out your family history at the doctors office, I want doctors to read your history and tell you about the gene mutation. When that doctor or nurse reads that your mom and grandma had breast cancer, or that the line of men in your family have all had prostate cancer, they should be automatically informing you of the gene mutation, the testing, ,and the preventative measures.

Why don't doctors already do this? I literally have no idea, but I am going to change that. Watch me.

Anyways, if you're interested in breast cancer events in Florida, you should join the Pink Army.  I think it asks you for a referring person, so my ID is 50616. You can find information about awesome things like Pink in the Paint, Race for the Cure, or the Southern Women's Show. All of these events and many more are in some way supporting breast cancer awareness and everyone should try to be involved! 

My song of the day is Stand Tall by the Dirty Heads. I picked this song because it warms my heart to listen to the chorus and think about the month of October and everyone coming together to find the cure for breast cancer. 

Together we need to stand tall, it gets a little better. I see the wall that we can break down together. Stand strong, it gets a little better now. We can break it down, yes, we can break it. Together, we will stand tall, break down the wall, and finally beat breast cancer.

I hope everyone's weekend comes quickly and stays for a while :) See you soon. 

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger...

I lack all motivation to write this blog anymore. I think it is probably because this process hasn't gone as planned and I am pouting. Yes, pouting. I am allowed to pout because this process is no stroll in the park.

What's going on now? Well lets see.. I started expanding on my left side and got a little ahead of myself on the excitement scale. I finally thought 'Thank sweet baby Jesus, I am over the bumps in the road and there's a light at the end of the tunnel.' Way to get ahead of yourself, Taylor.

Yesterday, as I sat at my computer inputting hundreds of numbers because it's budget season, I noticed my pain quickly increasing on my left side. I work with literally hundreds of physical therapist so I asked two of my favorites for suggestions on how to cope with the pain. They explained to me that it was probably scar tissue and that I needed to just work it slowly and not to over do it. By the time noon rolled around, I had given up on using my left arm at all and by 3:00 I had to throw in the towel. My entire left side was throbbing and every time I moved my left arm it felt like my armpit was literally ripping. Yes, ripping. OUCH.

I came home, threw on my pajamas, grabbed some ice packs, took some pain meds, and jumped into bed for a Grey Anatomy marathon. I thought that after an hour or so, the pain medications would be doing their job and I would probably be pain free and asleep. This of course was the exact opposite of what happened. After 4 hours of icing and two doses of pain medications I took the consistent advice of my grandpa to 'get myself a nice hot shower' and then get back into bed. That's my grandpa's go to 'well get yourself a nice hot shower and go to bed' and usually, it works! 

As I went to get into the shower, I brushed my left side to notice that my normally hard expander felt like a bag of air under my skin. I also noticed that I had extreme redness all around my nipple area, and it looked like I had a golf ball under my skin. Did you freak out? Are you kidding me? Of course I freaked out. I tried to calm myself down and push through my shower but by the time I got out I was half way into a panic attack. 

I pulled myself together... kind of... and waited for my mom to get home to verify the change in my appearance for me before I contacted my doctor. Long story short, I am now on antibiotics for the next 7 days and if these antibiotics don't help I will be admitted into the hospital next Tuesday for an infection.

An infection? How does that happen? Basically, anything out of the norm that enters my body is attracted to these expanders since they're foreign objects and the likeliness of infection is more common than I thought.

There's a chance it could not be an infection and the expander could have a leak. The good thing about the leak is that it's just a saline solution in my expanders, so it doesn't hurt me if it leaks into my body. It could also be my body rejecting the expanders all together. I am now in a waiting game to see what happens.

In the mean time, my expanding process has been put on pause until whatever this is goes away. If it is an infection, they will have to try to save the expander and I will have to wait at least 6 months to start the expanding process back up again. And I thought a month with one boob was bad. Ha.

I am not going to lie... this totally sucks but you know what? I will take this process over battling cancer any day. When this is all said and done, I will have a long, healthy life to enjoy these very expensive cancer-free boobs that I have been patiently waiting for...

On the lighter side of things, remember when I told you one of my best friends was getting married and I had to sit on the side lines because of this process? Well that beautiful event was this past Friday. Look how gorgeous it turned out...

Although I wasn't actually in the wedding, BeLinda went out of her way to make me feel as included as possible on her special day. 

Isn't she the most beautiful bride you've ever seen?! She looked like a princess. 

I am so blessed to have Mr. and Mrs.Beason as two my of best friends and neighbors. I wish you both all the love and happiness in the universe. Love you guys so much!

The other great news, I finally got a medical bill for my mastectomy. It's good news that you got a giant medical bill? Well, no... but I am incredibly blessed because my insurance company is standing behind me in this process and I owe zero dollars. I know some insurance companies don't pay for this surgery yet, so I am very fortunate to have one of the companies that does. 

The top number is the cost of my surgery so far, and the second number is my amount due. See what I mean? Blessed. 

As I continue down this bumpy road, I hope that I continue to encourage people to get tested for the BRCA gene mutation. I am an example of probably everything that could go wrong in this process which may scare you a little, but as bumpy as my road as been, it will never be as bumpy as the road of someone battling cancer. It is hard, exhausting, mentally draining, and painful, but it is worth it. Take the plunge and go get tested because knowledge is power.

Light at the end of the tunnel...

Today has been the day that I have been patiently awaiting... a normal doctors visit. I have had so many ups and downs with this procedure thus far, that I basically dread going to the doctor. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my plastic surgeon and his staff, but constantly hearing bad news week after week gets down right exhausting. To be completely honest, last week I got so nervous going to the doctors' that I ended up crying before I was even in the examination room! Hey, if you got bad news week after week, you'd feel the same way!

I've finally got a smile back on my face!

Anyways, today I finally got an idea of when all this madness will be over! It will take 6 weeks for my rapid expansion, going once a week, and then 6 weeks with the expanders at desired size 'settling' before I have the exchange to put in the implants. So twelve weeks from now, I will again go under the knife and be so so close to the finish line! Why do you keep the expanders for 6 weeks after you reach your desired size? Good question! All I really understood about that today was that you have to give the expanders and your body time to settle before you do the exchange. I'll ask more questions when I am in that 'settling' period. 

The other great thing that happened today was that I started expanding on my left side! I have around 60 cc's on that side, which is still incredibly flat chested, but it's more than I had yesterday! On my right side, I reached around 300 cc's, which is similar to a full A cup. I know what you're thinking... 'You're excited to have one full A cup breast?' If you had been looking at the chest that I have been looking at since July 17th, you'd be doing back flips for this baby-sized boob I've got!

So that you can share in my excitement for my progress, I will post a picture. I don't want to weird anyone out, but here is one of the dimples that I have developed in my chest having no fat cells...

 

Now, you may be thinking 'oh that's not so bad.' But when you add in the dimple on the other side, the caving in that my chest does next to where my armpit meets the side of my body on both sides, the huge scars I have on both sides, and the continued bruising... it weighs on my mind.  To finally be able to see progress and know that I will not be completely botched forever is an indescribable feeling. Telling yourself it's temporary is one thing, seeing it is another.

Oh, I forgot more good news I got today: I CAN START WORKING OUT AGAIN. Well, kind of... My doctor said that I can ride the bike at the gym, work my lower half, and go in the sauna. Again, while this may not sound exciting for you, but it was like hearing I got a pony on Christmas morning for me! 

As always, I want to thank you all for staying with me during this period where I have been the worst blogger in the world, because I haven't been writing. In this period of gray, I have found an even deeper connection with music. It amazes me to be able to turn on a song and feel like the person singing it knows exactly what i'm going through... it's like they're right there with you, supporting you through your struggles. I listen to 'I believe' by Soja literally everyday on the way to work and on the way home. The lyrics in this song make me believe in myself all over again every morning and afternoon. These particular words have given me some of the strength to start writing this blog again so I want to share them with you... 
  

I kinda been struggling                                                             

The fire on my tongue’s been challenging                                            

But even the wise ones be stumbling                                               

So pick your heart up here and walk tall

Bright- eyed deliverance 

Everything you say’s significant

So speak your truth, be spirited

You’re beautiful and bold, so carry on.

The second part of these lyrics really gets to me because I had a friend from high school reach out and say something very similar. He explained to me that one of his parents has cancer and my blog has helped him in this incredibly difficult time. He said that while what we're going through is not the same, we have similar emotions and I make him feel justified and normal. He ended up giving me most of the strength to write this blog today, and he may never know it! Knowing that my words can help other people in tough times makes it all worth it!

I challenge everyone to stop reading my blog right now and hug someone you love! Why? Well because it has hurt me for weeks now to hug anyone and lord does it feel good to give someone a hug! I mean who doesn't love hugs? I am going to the gym tomorrow, so as long as I am not in excruciating pain afterwards, i'll write again tomorrow! Love you all and thanks again for sticking with me!

A humbling moment...

Today did not begin as one of the grandest days, as I felt sick all day from the amount of pain I was in on my left side. I pushed through the day with a semi-smile on my face working my 8 hour shift. I am blessed to be in the position that I am at Florida Hospital, surrounded by people supporting me through this journey and keeping my mind off of the negatives with laughter and bagels. 

After work, I came home to anxiously await 7:00, as the polls were closing in Seminole County. See, I worked with my neighbor, Sandi Solomon, on her political campaign to keep her seat as Casselberry City Commissioner, Seat 3. Sandi has put her heart and soul into this city, already being a commissioner for 8 years, and I am happy to announce that she will be serving 4 more! Congratulations, Mrs.Sandi!

Sandi's campaign was the first political campaign I had ever assisted in, so being there to hear the news of her winning, regardless of pain, was something I had to do. Seeing her face as she received the phone call to congratulate her is something I will never forget! 

When I went to Mrs. Sandi's house to hear the results of the election. I thought I would pop in, give some hugs, and come home back to my bed. Instead, I ran into a woman whom may never know how much she genuinely touched my heart and lifted my spirits. 

This particular woman had uterine cancer and has been cancer free for exactly one year! Amazing, I know.  She explained all kinds of things to me in her wisdom of this process, but one thing stuck out the most. I asked if she was familiar with the BRCA gene mutation and her response was "Oh yes, I have sat there through the chemo treatments next to women who wish they would have gotten the preventative surgery, but opted not to do so."

I am not going to even begin to try to explain all of the emotions that I felt when she said that to me. I will never be one of those women. It is the most empowering, humbling, happy, overwhelming, ect. feeling to know that I will not be one of those women sitting there receiving chemo treatments for breast cancer because I made this decision. At 24 years young, I decided to fight back against cancer and not even give that sucker a chance. I saved my own life. 

All of the emotions...

I am just going to drive right into it, y'all...

My plan to write about the expanding process when I went to the doctor on Tuesday didn't occur because the expanding didn't occur. Well, half of it did. See, my right side has completely healed and my left side has not. I found out on Tuesday that instead of leaving with two spacers of 120 cc's in them, I would be leaving with one. Yes, that's right... one boob. Currently, the fluid isn't enough to make a noticeable difference and I still look completely flat chested, but I will have a time where it is noticeably different. Just what I needed through this 'easy' process, right?

What's happening on your left side? Oh, my left side of my body apparently hates me. That's right... 39 days after surgery I still have a large area that isn't healed. Cool. What are they going to do? I am having another procedure on Wednesday where they're going to cut away that area and then reseal my skin. Luckily, this one is just at the office with local anesthesia. 

What does this mean? Well it means all kinds of super fun stuff. Not. See, when they do the mastectomy they leave 'flaps' of skin so that your boobs look as natural as possible when the process is over. By flaps, I mean the skin is kind of loose to give the tear-drop effect of a 'normal-looking' boob. Since my left side has been healing for so long, my flaps are starting to grow back. It's basically like when you lose weight and your skin is looser for a little while and then eventually tightens up! What does it mean now that my flaps are tightening to my chest? It means that my doctor will be 'aggressively expanding' on my right side and on my left side, it will have to heal and then they will begin rapid expansion.  Rapid expansion on either side means more pain and swelling.

You're either thinking two things right now... one being "wow, that sucks" or the other being "what's the big deal? You can put a sock in your bra on the left side until your chest evens out and take some advil." If you're one of the people thinking 'what's the big deal?' You better not say that to my face, because I might kick you. 

One of the first things that sucks about having this extra procedure (besides the procedure itself) and prolonged process, is no longer getting to be a part of one of my best friends weddings. As if I haven't had enough, I had to take the time to explain to one of my best friends that I would not be walking down the isle with her, 3 weeks before her wedding, because I've had another thing go wrong. Thankfully, she is a wonderful person and completely understands all of my complications and my efforts to try to be a part of her special day have just fallen short. 

Another thing that totally sucks is that I just want this to be over with already. I literally feel trapped inside my own body. I went to my cousins house yesterday to hang out and make dinner and had to leave before dinner was even ready because the swelling and pain was so bad that I couldn't handle it any longer. I just want to be normal. I want to go to dinner with my friends and not have to worry about someone bumping into me, I want to be in my friends wedding, and I want to go to the beach when it's 100 degrees outside. I mean can a girl live a little or what?

I find myself feeling completely hopeless in that I just want to have one day of normalcy, just one. Instead, I am having to do things like debate a weekend at the beach with my family because of the potential to be sore and swollen. Or even worse, if I had to take away from the family fun for someone to take care of me. Dear lord, if I could have anything... it would be to at least be to be able to take care of myself right now. I went from being completely independent to completely dependent. For all my independent friends out there, I'm sure thinking about that just kicked your anxiety into high gear. 

I realized that I was hiding from my blog. What do you mean hiding? I wanted to continue to be seen as the strong, independent woman that I am, but if I am being with honest with myself and you all... that's not who I am right now. In order to keep pushing through this process, I had to admit that to you and myself, and then quickly remind myself that I will again be that person. Soon enough. 

While I am being completely honest, I have cried writing this entire post because that's how much this process is just mentally kicking my butt right now. I have to realize that I am not unbreakable and can't carry the weight of the world, even though I would like to... 

I don't want anyone to start feeling bad for me, as that is not the reason for this raw post. I also don't want to scare anyone away from this process because through all of the emotions that I have had so far, not even for one second have I regretted my decision. I have had way more bumps in the road than your average Joe, making this journey extra mentally and physically exhausting. 

What am I going to do now? I am going to keep writing. Maybe not every day, but I will keep writing my journey. I am also going to walk out into my kitchen and eat the biggest spoon full of Nutella in the world as a reward for finally mustering up the courage to tell everyone that I am struggling right now. Don't worry-- I know that soon enough this will all be a faint memory and I will be looking forward to a long and healthy life. 

My song of the day is Clean Bandit- Rather be, because it is so fun to listen to as loud as possible in my car. Check it out!

Thanks for sticking with me through all of this... you're the best <3

Taking a break...

I decided last week to take a little break from blogging! Blogging went from being awesome and a way to put my feelings out there, to feeling like a chore. I don't want to feel that way about writing, so I've decided to pause until I start expanding.

I start expanding late next week, so I will start back up blogging then. 

If I'm being completely honest, starting a new job in the midst of this sore, emotional roller coaster is way more difficult than anticipated. Don't worry, I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and I will come out stronger than ever after all of this! 

In order to come out spirits high with a smile on my face, I will be using my free time to watch shark week and sleep! 

Continued thanks for hanging in there with me and I will see everyone next week! 

PS. My first day at Florida Hospital was just as awesome as anticipated! 

Tuesdaze...

First things first, Happy birthday my favorite neighbor, BeLinda! 

BeLinda has been one of my best friends and one of my neighbors since I was in the 8th grade. From plastic surgeon appointments to sitting in the hospital with me after my surgery, she has literally been there every step of the way through this process. I could not have made it this far without her.  Thanks so much for being such a beautiful person inside and out, B! Love you and hope you had the best birthday ever!

Today has been a pretty 'blah' day in my mind and I don't really have much to say to you! I am feeling kind of down for no reason, but I know it's all a part of this process. I am looking forward to next week when I start work and will have plenty of things to keep me occupied. I think I am kind of in a funk because I am not doing much besides hanging out around my house. 

I did drive for the first time today! You never realize how many chest muscles you use driving until they're all sore and you feel each one moving. I drove to the local convenience store because I wanted boiled peanuts and that was far enough for me! I am going to drive to a couple appointments I have this week to get back in the swing of things. Yes, if you're wondering, I am still using a pillow between my chest and the seat belt.

I go to see Dr.P on Friday and hopefully I will start expanding then or find out when I will start! If I do start expanding, I will take a bunch of pictures to explain how it works! Fingers crossed!

Catch everyone tomorrow! 

Blocking out the bad...

Happy Sunday, everyone!  I decided to back track in my story and explain more in depth about my stay-cation at Florida Hospital. I realized that I hadn't really talked that much about it, but that was because it sucked. It's interesting to look back and realize how much you can mentally block out without any effort.

This picture is here simply because it's hilarious and I can't wait for basketball season.

One of the many things that I mentally blocked out from the hospital was the cream that they used on my incisions. Nitroglycerin topical cream is actually used to prevent episodes of chest pain in people with heart disease, but in my case, it was used to help ease my surgical pain. I don't get it, how could a cream be traumatic? The particular cream has an interesting array of side effects, one of them being a head ache. I am not talking about the take two Advil and a nap kind of head ache, I am talking on the strongest pain medication in the hospital and still feel like your head could explode head ache. I had a head ache from the time I woke up from my surgery until after I took a shower the night I got home from the hospital. If you're going in for this procedure and your doctor uses that cream, I'll add no headache onto my list of prayers for you. 

Another thing that I mentally blocked out was exactly how much I struggled after my surgery. At that point, in my mind, getting out of bed was literally the hardest thing I had ever done. Hospital beds are pretty standard: Tons of buttons to raise your head, feet, back, butt, whatever, and even with all these buttons, I cried the first 2 days trying to get out of that bad boy. I had to raise the back of my bed all the way up, put the bottom of my bed all way down, and then have someone put their hand behind my back to help me lift myself up. After all of that effort, I still had to walk all 7 feet, which felt like 62 miles, to the bathroom, somehow sit on the toilet, have someone pass me the toilet paper that was a foot away, and help me stand back up. I was literally helpless and it was most definitely the roughest experience I've ever had and hopefully will ever have in my life. 

On a recent doctors visit, a nurse asked me my complications after surgery and I explained how low my blood pressure had gotten... the nurse responded with "Jeeze, that's almost dead." Thank you for that. 

Not all memories that I have from the hospital are bad. At one point, I had a super attractive random doctor, who was some how affiliated with Dr.P, walk into my room, talk to me for a while, and make me laugh. I recently told my mom that the least he could do was take me to dinner since he's already seen me half naked, but he hasn't called. Call me, haha.

Another funny memory I have from my surgery was when a doctor walked into my room while I was heavily medicated and half asleep and I thought he was my neighbor from back in Chapel Hill. The doctor walked in and I said "Kedar?" I was so confused as to why my neighbor was there and where he had come from, only to realize he was actually one of my doctors. To be fair, he really does look like my neighbors identical twin.  I had a good laugh about this after I was done feeling like a total idiot. 

I write the ups and downs for a reason. While I want you to fully grasp my experience, I also want everyone to take the time to acknowledge the little things. To us, things like walking to the bathroom, or being able to sit up in our bed aren't even a thought... but for others, they are laying in a bed wishing they could walk to the bathroom one more time in their life, or even sit up again. 

While I know that this process so far has changed me for the better on many levels, one things I can truly pride myself on is that I have learned to love life so much more. I do take the time to make a sandwich and then smile to myself and think, "Hey, you just did that all on your own." It is only when you begin to acknowledge the small things that you realize how incredible life really is! 

My song of the day is Krooked Treez-Rebel because I love this song!! Oh and because, I'm a rebel so I do what I want. 

These guys are super awesome so check them out, download their album... y'all know the drill. 

I hope everyone had an awesome weekend filled with good vibes, friends, sunshine, and funny stories! I also hope that everyone has a quick and painless Monday. See you tomorrow! 

Poop dust...

I hope that everyone got more sleep than I did last night or if you didn't, you were doing something more interesting than watching the Rock as a tooth fairy until 6 am. I had my first truly sleepless night through this process and needless to say, I am not a happy camper.

Last night, I went out to dinner with my dear friend, Diane, and had a grand old time at Buffalo Wild Wings. Diane has been one of my best friends since high school and I can always count on her for a night of adventure and laughter. 

We were lucky enough to catch the end of happy hour, so I had my first beer out since my surgery!

These crowns were randomly placed around the restaurant for children, so naturally we wore them throughout dinner. We obviously had a great time. 

After Diane dropped me off, I ended up falling asleep around 10:30 pm, and everything went downhill from there. I woke up right around 1 am, restlessly hung out until 6:30 am, ate half of a calzone because I was hungry and mad, and then finally fell back asleep after 7:30 this morning. My alarm to start my day went off an hour and half later and I just wanted to cry. Why didn't you just go back to sleep? Because I don't want tonight to be another sleepless, restless night. Duh. 

I started writing to explain what all I have accomplished today and how wonderful it was, despite my exhaustion, but I just really don't want to take the time to explain right now. I am tired. The worst part: My body is so tired that I probably wont be able to get off the couch, but my mind is going a mile a minute. I just want to sleep and am obviously grumpy. 

This is my life right now. Thank you, grumpy cat.

Also: sitting with your shoulders back like a proper southern girl actually pulls the crap out of your chest muscle. Who knew? Not this girl. On a scale of one to kill me now on the soreness scale, I am somewhere between crying like a baby and wanting to punch a hole in a wall.

It is an interesting experience to go from little miss sunshine one day to the grumpy cat the next, but I guess that's what soreness and lack of sleep will do to you! No worries, I will sleep tonight, and be back to my dorky, sarcastic self tomorrow. 

Song of the day is Tracy Chapman- Give me one reason for no reason at all besides I love a good Tracy jam sesh. So, give me one reason to stay here, and I'll turn right back around.

I am moving up in the world, so click here for the YouTube video. Right? Doing big things.

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful weekend with all of the sleep you desire. I also hope that all these people down in the Keys bring me back some lobsters. No...? Anyone...? Anyways, go drink a beer or 7 for me and have an awesome Saturday night! Catch everyone tomorrow. 

Sit up straight...

Happy Friday, y'all! It is safe to say that I am 'over the hump.' Yahoo!! Yesterday was difficult for me, as there were so many things that I wanted to do but weren't appropriate for safety reasons, so I definitely pouted. Luckily, I have the best sister and friends in the world to make today extra fabulous and make me finally feel really like myself again. 

See, I am back to my selfie-taking, smiling self! Bring on the beers! 

This morning my wonderful sister picked me up, treated me to lunch, and then took my over to meet Princess Kenzley Harper Hardenbergh. 

She is just the most precious little bundle of joy! Congratulations again to Zack and Julie on this little nugget! I love her! 

While I was hanging with Julie, Shelby, and Kenzley, my sister said to me "Does it hurt to sit up straight or something?" I thought to myself, "What are you talking about, Shelby?" Then I realized that I was walking around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Dear Lord. See, when I first got out of surgery my muscles in my chest were so tight that it was more comfortable to sit with my shoulders slouched, so I just stayed that way. Thank goodness my sister informed me that I was continuing to do it so I can quickly fix my posture. If you're getting this procedure, make sure you pay attention to that! I am now constantly reminding myself to sit up straight with my shoulders back.

After a car ride through traffic and an epic jam sesh to put a smile on my face, I came home. I had several packages waiting for me, which naturally would brighten anyways day! The first package was from my first friend at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, my shroomie, Krista Harrell and her fabulous mom, Paige. 

This picture is definitely a "flash back," as it is from our first semester as Tar Heels! Boy, how things have changed. They naturally sent me a 6 pack with snacks, which is extremely appropriate. Thank you so much ladies, I love you both!

The other package I received today was from Underground Printing and really warmed my heart! Elizabeth Flake and the folks at UGP wanted me to know that I had all kinds of people rooting for me back where my heart is, Chapel Hill. 

I can't wait to wear these bad boys, as Carolina will always have my heart and I would definitely always rather be in Chapel Hill...

In honor of this Carolina gear my song of the day is James Taylor- Gone to Carolina in my Mind. This song holds a special place in my heart because when I first toured Carolina before I even applied, it played on the radio as I drove off of campus that day, and it was that moment when I knew it was where I was meant to be!

If you don't know this song, come out from under the rock you're living under please. 

I hope everyone has a happy hour filled Friday and a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

I've got chills, they're multiplyin'...

Each day, I find myself feeling stronger and stronger and that my friends, is a great feeling! I definitely have a new appreciate for my capabilities in life and am going to use as many as I can to my full advantage. I recently fell in love with running and once I am feeling up for it, it's going to be my every day thing, simply because...I can!

I told you i'd write the good and the bad, so here's some of the bad stuff! Part of the process of having surgery is taking pain medications and then deciding when you don't need them anymore. I went off of all pain medications roughly one week after surgery. The only side of effects I've had from going off the meds have been chills and hot flashes. This may not sound too terrible, considering the side effects that can arise, but going to bed, waking up sweating so you throw off the blankets, falling back asleep, waking up freezing, and the process repeating is not my cup of tea.  Actually, I am sure it is not anyone's cup of tea. This is what I have been going through for the past couple of days! Cute, I know. But at least I know soon enough, there will no more medication left in my system.

Another negative aspect of having this surgery is not being able to sleep. Ugh. I thought once I had my drains out that sleeping would get easier, but I was wrong. Basically, the only way that you can sleep after a bilateral mastectomy is on your back. Who sleeps on their back all night? That's right, No one. I was able to do it for a little while but now my back is like 'HEY, GET OFF OF ME' while I am sleeping. I have tried to sleep on my side but I have so much bruising and my muscle is pulled so tight that it's a huge no go! 

There is good news though, I asked around and have gotten a few interesting recommendations. The first recommendation I received I tried last night, which was to sleep with as many pillows as possible. You're probably thinking...what?! Well I was able to put the pillows under one side of me, taking pressure off of my back. Then I put a pillow under each arm, under my feet, and one on my chest to hug! Warning: If you stop hugging the pillow and lay your arms flat on your side pillows, your elbow crack will hurt SUPER bad when you wake up and haven't moved it in the middle of the night. Trust me! 

The other recommendation I received is to sleep in a recliner. I think this might be the money ticket because then it is like you're laying down, but really you're sitting and there isn't pressure on your back. Also, you can kind of lay on your side without actually putting any weight on your side. I'll let you know how it goes! 

My partner in crime, one of my dear friends since middle school, Alina Torres, sent me a very appropriate get well present! I am so lucky to call Alina one of my closest friends, as we can go months without seeing each other but pick up like we were never apart once we're back together and we know we can always rely on each other in times of need! Love you very much and am very proud of you, PIC. 

The cup reads "Good friends are like bras, supportive, never leave you hanging, make you look good, and are always close to your heart." See, super appropriate! Thanks again, Alina! 

In honor of an old friend and reminiscing on high school, my song of the day is The Starting Line- Best of me, because we got older but we're still young, we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up.

I just took a serious walk down memory lane, so if you're familiar with The Starting Line, you should do the same! 

I hope everyone had an awesome Hump day! See you tomorrow!

Cancer free, y'all...

Well, today is a great day! I met with my general surgeon, Dr.Harmon, this morning and got the pathology results that said I am cancer free! What a relief it was to hear those words come out of my doctors mouth! 

To further explain, all of my lymph nodes came back negative for cancer, but I did have 5 small tumors in my breast tissue that they removed. Five small tumors? What does that mean? That just means that I had cells in my breast tissue that had changed from their normal state and were in the process of changing when they ripped those babies out! I am not going to lie, this was terrifying to hear and naturally, I cried, but they're gone now! My doctor explained that this was just more proof that I had made the right decision in being proactive so early! I hope this gives you even more motivation to go get tested. I am 24 and had 5 small changing tumors... How old are you? Not too young to get tested, that's for sure.

Dr.Harmon made sure to emphasize to me that I now need to make sure I am getting the proper testing for my ovaries. I guess that means that will just get blood tests and ultra sounds on a regular basis to make sure I don't develop ovarian cancer, but I am not sure yet, so i'll let you know. 

More great news: Jillian got her pathology report back and she is also cancer free, with no abnormalities! In honor of this, at dinner time tonight we will drink beers 'together', being hundreds of miles apart, and cheers to not having cancer! Feel free to join us! 

Today is an extra exciting day because I got a donut from Krispy Kreme after my doctors appointment and I was able to put on a t-shirt. Why is putting on a t-shirt exciting?

I have nothing against wearing my dads button down shirts, because they're big and comfy. But when the only thing you can put on is a giant button down and shorts when you go into public, it gets old... fast. I am also a huge lover of t-shirts, I wear them more probably more than I should, so it is nice to put one back on! You can also kind of see my lack of boobs here. haha 

In honor of the fact that I have to miss the Dirty Heads concert, my song of the day is Your love- by the Dirty Heads.

Why do I have to miss the dirty heads concert? It's because I can't chance going downtown Orlando and having someone bump into my chest... because it would be a sad day for that poor soul.  Dirty heads, if you're reading this... I love you. 

All of your continued love and support helps make each sore day, a little less of a pain! I can't say thank you enough! See everyone tomorrow :)

Drain, Drain, go away...

Great news! I am drain free!!!! I got my other two drains taken out this morning. Woohoo

It is such a great feeling to not have to lug those things around or worry about pulling them on something. Ouch. I look forward to being able to sleep on my side again and shower without help! 

I actually took a shower today by myself and it drained all my energy. Who would have thought a shower would be so tiring?

I am allowed to start using my arms again which is more great news. I didn't realize how tight my muscles could get in a little over a weeks time. I have to start doing arm exercises to get my arms back to full range of motion. My exercise for my arms is to stand a few inches less than arms length away from a wall and slowly walk my hand up the wall with my fingers until my chest muscles begin to feel tight. Then I will press my hand against the wall for several seconds to stretch the muscle. I will do this for three weeks, or until I begin expanding, which will then be when I should be at full range of motion. 

I wanted to say thank you again to everyone for your continued love and support!! I made it through the hard part and I have all of you to thank for that! I cannot express my gratitude enough! 

See everyone tomorrow, better than ever! 

Duct tape your chest...

Hope everyone is having an epic Sunday Fun-day! 

I am incredibly excited for tonight because my 'big', Becca Guard Davis, and her mom are coming to visit! I was in a sorority for a semester where I met my big, Becca. She has become one of my best friends and I am so grateful to have her in my life!

We can't go out and cause a ruckus like we normally would, but I am sure excited to hang out. They have been on the road all day today and hopefully will be here around 5pm for dinner. Can't wait!

Dilemma of the day: Medical Tape. For some reason, medical tape will no longer stick to my chest. I have these large bandages that have to be secured by medical tape to cover my incisions, but the tape will not stay on for more than an hour! How annoying! My mom tried using bandages because they do stick better but the skin on my chest is so sensitive right now that it hurt too bad to take those off. I can't sneak around the house because I end up leaving a trail of bandages, haha. I will ask my doctor if I have other options tomorrow and let you all know!

How am I feeling? I am nauseated. I am not sure if it's these medications I am on or what, but for some reason I can't seem to shake this nauseated and light-headed feeling. Don't worry, I am going to both doctors this week and will definitely be asking how to get rid of this awful feeling! 

My arm pits are still the most sore area that I have, which is inconvenient, but at least I am feeling better each day! Hopefully, tomorrow after my other two drains are removed the soreness of my underarms will go away!

I am able to do more and more each day and it's awesome! Today, I was able to take my shirt off without assistance. By that I mean, pull my arms back and let it fall off me of, but hey... it's progress! 

Sorry for the short blog again, but being light-headed and on the computer do not mix very well. Once I can stand to look at a computer screen longer than 10 minutes, I will start back up with the song of the day.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. See you tomorrow!

Quick update...

Each day I find myself feeling a little better! I don't really have much to report as today was uneventful, but I like uneventful! I took two long naps and had a couple visitors, but that's all my day consisted of, which is nice. 

Presley says hi! 

Tomorrow is a new day which means I will be feeling even better than today.... Yahoo! Catch everyone tomorrow! 

Better each day...

Happy Friday, everyone! 

Yesterday was a pretty great day for me! The first awesome thing that happened was one of my best friends, who lives in Atlanta, just came casually strolling into my room. 

She came home for the weekend because her dad is graduating from college, Congratulations Mr.Tommy, and so she came to hang out with me as a surprise! She is a sneaky little Georgia Peach, as this is like the 4389 time she has been able to surprise me in one way or another! Love you, Brit! 

The second awesome thing that happened yesterday is that I believe I passed that stupid kidney stone! Thank goodness!

The third and final awesome thing that happened yesterday was that I got two of my drains taken out yesterday, so I am down to two! I was so nervous yesterday to get my drains taken out, because I didn't know what to expect. The doctor was running behind and by the time he came into the room, I was almost in tears I was so nervous! First of all, I didn't know if it would hurt to have them removed, and secondly I didn't know how long or extensive the process was to take them out! Dr. P removed the stitches holding those two drains, one on each side, and then simply pulled them out! He asked me to take a deep breath and it felt just like a pinch of pressure, but that was it. Those two particular drains were kind of in my armpit crack, between my chest and my arms. I could actually feel the drains if I ran my hand over the area and it was an incredibly tender. Thank goodness those were the ones he took out! I am much more comfortable today. 

I get the other two out on Monday! I am so excited!

Each day I realize how many factors I didn't take into consideration when beginning this journey. I like to share these things so people who are going through something similar will maybe have a heads up when these situations arise for them.  One of the things I didn't realize was how little energy I would have throughout this process. 

Today, I went on my first fun outing since surgery. My aunt picked me up, took my to get a haircut, out to lunch, and then to target! My haircut, by the lovely Mrs.Jennet, went great! The only hiccup was since I have on so many bandages, plus a shirt and a cutting cape, I got too hot while she was blowing dry my hair and we had to take a break. My hair looks fabulous!

After my haircut we went to Tijuana Flats, which is a Mexican restaurant by my house. They have a salsa bar with like ten types of salsa and I couldn't reach over the bar to get my own. I felt kind of embarrassed for a second because I had to have my aunt get my salsa and then if my drink was set down too far back on the table and I couldn't reach it, then she had to pass it to me. I sat and thought for a second and then realized that there is no reason for me to feel embarrassed. If someone was watching me and making judgement about me because of my movements then they are probably not a very nice person to begin with! Sometimes you also have to remind yourself that people probably aren't even paying attention to you anyways, so there's nothing to worry about. 

After lunch, we went to target where we were for a whopping 5 minutes before I realized 'Holy guacamole, I'm tired.' Luckily, my aunt realized I was tired too and we ended our afternoon adventure! 

The reason for my play-by-play of my afternoon is so you have an idea of how little activity you can do before you need to take a nap! I can go a million miles an hour under normal circumstances, but not right now. All the medications I am on, along with the anesthesia still in my system, make me have little to no energy. It's hard for me, because I think I can do more than I can handle and then I end up extra exhausted at the end of the day, which you don't want to do to yourself.
  
If I was going to make a recommendation to anyone who is going to be getting a mastectomy in the near future, it would be to start getting out of bed without using your hands at least two weeks before your surgery. I know it sounds crazy, but essentially only using your abs to get out of bed is super hard. Once you have the hang of it, it's easy but you should prepare yourself because once you have the surgery, there's not catching yourself with your arms to get up. 

My song of the day is This Ain't Nothin'- by Craig Morgan because in the big scheme of things, this little bump in the road ain't nothin'.

Hope everyone has a happy hour filled Friday and a great weekend!