A humbling moment...

Today did not begin as one of the grandest days, as I felt sick all day from the amount of pain I was in on my left side. I pushed through the day with a semi-smile on my face working my 8 hour shift. I am blessed to be in the position that I am at Florida Hospital, surrounded by people supporting me through this journey and keeping my mind off of the negatives with laughter and bagels. 

After work, I came home to anxiously await 7:00, as the polls were closing in Seminole County. See, I worked with my neighbor, Sandi Solomon, on her political campaign to keep her seat as Casselberry City Commissioner, Seat 3. Sandi has put her heart and soul into this city, already being a commissioner for 8 years, and I am happy to announce that she will be serving 4 more! Congratulations, Mrs.Sandi!

Sandi's campaign was the first political campaign I had ever assisted in, so being there to hear the news of her winning, regardless of pain, was something I had to do. Seeing her face as she received the phone call to congratulate her is something I will never forget! 

When I went to Mrs. Sandi's house to hear the results of the election. I thought I would pop in, give some hugs, and come home back to my bed. Instead, I ran into a woman whom may never know how much she genuinely touched my heart and lifted my spirits. 

This particular woman had uterine cancer and has been cancer free for exactly one year! Amazing, I know.  She explained all kinds of things to me in her wisdom of this process, but one thing stuck out the most. I asked if she was familiar with the BRCA gene mutation and her response was "Oh yes, I have sat there through the chemo treatments next to women who wish they would have gotten the preventative surgery, but opted not to do so."

I am not going to even begin to try to explain all of the emotions that I felt when she said that to me. I will never be one of those women. It is the most empowering, humbling, happy, overwhelming, ect. feeling to know that I will not be one of those women sitting there receiving chemo treatments for breast cancer because I made this decision. At 24 years young, I decided to fight back against cancer and not even give that sucker a chance. I saved my own life. 

All of the emotions...

I am just going to drive right into it, y'all...

My plan to write about the expanding process when I went to the doctor on Tuesday didn't occur because the expanding didn't occur. Well, half of it did. See, my right side has completely healed and my left side has not. I found out on Tuesday that instead of leaving with two spacers of 120 cc's in them, I would be leaving with one. Yes, that's right... one boob. Currently, the fluid isn't enough to make a noticeable difference and I still look completely flat chested, but I will have a time where it is noticeably different. Just what I needed through this 'easy' process, right?

What's happening on your left side? Oh, my left side of my body apparently hates me. That's right... 39 days after surgery I still have a large area that isn't healed. Cool. What are they going to do? I am having another procedure on Wednesday where they're going to cut away that area and then reseal my skin. Luckily, this one is just at the office with local anesthesia. 

What does this mean? Well it means all kinds of super fun stuff. Not. See, when they do the mastectomy they leave 'flaps' of skin so that your boobs look as natural as possible when the process is over. By flaps, I mean the skin is kind of loose to give the tear-drop effect of a 'normal-looking' boob. Since my left side has been healing for so long, my flaps are starting to grow back. It's basically like when you lose weight and your skin is looser for a little while and then eventually tightens up! What does it mean now that my flaps are tightening to my chest? It means that my doctor will be 'aggressively expanding' on my right side and on my left side, it will have to heal and then they will begin rapid expansion.  Rapid expansion on either side means more pain and swelling.

You're either thinking two things right now... one being "wow, that sucks" or the other being "what's the big deal? You can put a sock in your bra on the left side until your chest evens out and take some advil." If you're one of the people thinking 'what's the big deal?' You better not say that to my face, because I might kick you. 

One of the first things that sucks about having this extra procedure (besides the procedure itself) and prolonged process, is no longer getting to be a part of one of my best friends weddings. As if I haven't had enough, I had to take the time to explain to one of my best friends that I would not be walking down the isle with her, 3 weeks before her wedding, because I've had another thing go wrong. Thankfully, she is a wonderful person and completely understands all of my complications and my efforts to try to be a part of her special day have just fallen short. 

Another thing that totally sucks is that I just want this to be over with already. I literally feel trapped inside my own body. I went to my cousins house yesterday to hang out and make dinner and had to leave before dinner was even ready because the swelling and pain was so bad that I couldn't handle it any longer. I just want to be normal. I want to go to dinner with my friends and not have to worry about someone bumping into me, I want to be in my friends wedding, and I want to go to the beach when it's 100 degrees outside. I mean can a girl live a little or what?

I find myself feeling completely hopeless in that I just want to have one day of normalcy, just one. Instead, I am having to do things like debate a weekend at the beach with my family because of the potential to be sore and swollen. Or even worse, if I had to take away from the family fun for someone to take care of me. Dear lord, if I could have anything... it would be to at least be to be able to take care of myself right now. I went from being completely independent to completely dependent. For all my independent friends out there, I'm sure thinking about that just kicked your anxiety into high gear. 

I realized that I was hiding from my blog. What do you mean hiding? I wanted to continue to be seen as the strong, independent woman that I am, but if I am being with honest with myself and you all... that's not who I am right now. In order to keep pushing through this process, I had to admit that to you and myself, and then quickly remind myself that I will again be that person. Soon enough. 

While I am being completely honest, I have cried writing this entire post because that's how much this process is just mentally kicking my butt right now. I have to realize that I am not unbreakable and can't carry the weight of the world, even though I would like to... 

I don't want anyone to start feeling bad for me, as that is not the reason for this raw post. I also don't want to scare anyone away from this process because through all of the emotions that I have had so far, not even for one second have I regretted my decision. I have had way more bumps in the road than your average Joe, making this journey extra mentally and physically exhausting. 

What am I going to do now? I am going to keep writing. Maybe not every day, but I will keep writing my journey. I am also going to walk out into my kitchen and eat the biggest spoon full of Nutella in the world as a reward for finally mustering up the courage to tell everyone that I am struggling right now. Don't worry-- I know that soon enough this will all be a faint memory and I will be looking forward to a long and healthy life. 

My song of the day is Clean Bandit- Rather be, because it is so fun to listen to as loud as possible in my car. Check it out!

Thanks for sticking with me through all of this... you're the best <3

Taking a break...

I decided last week to take a little break from blogging! Blogging went from being awesome and a way to put my feelings out there, to feeling like a chore. I don't want to feel that way about writing, so I've decided to pause until I start expanding.

I start expanding late next week, so I will start back up blogging then. 

If I'm being completely honest, starting a new job in the midst of this sore, emotional roller coaster is way more difficult than anticipated. Don't worry, I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and I will come out stronger than ever after all of this! 

In order to come out spirits high with a smile on my face, I will be using my free time to watch shark week and sleep! 

Continued thanks for hanging in there with me and I will see everyone next week! 

PS. My first day at Florida Hospital was just as awesome as anticipated! 

Tuesdaze...

First things first, Happy birthday my favorite neighbor, BeLinda! 

BeLinda has been one of my best friends and one of my neighbors since I was in the 8th grade. From plastic surgeon appointments to sitting in the hospital with me after my surgery, she has literally been there every step of the way through this process. I could not have made it this far without her.  Thanks so much for being such a beautiful person inside and out, B! Love you and hope you had the best birthday ever!

Today has been a pretty 'blah' day in my mind and I don't really have much to say to you! I am feeling kind of down for no reason, but I know it's all a part of this process. I am looking forward to next week when I start work and will have plenty of things to keep me occupied. I think I am kind of in a funk because I am not doing much besides hanging out around my house. 

I did drive for the first time today! You never realize how many chest muscles you use driving until they're all sore and you feel each one moving. I drove to the local convenience store because I wanted boiled peanuts and that was far enough for me! I am going to drive to a couple appointments I have this week to get back in the swing of things. Yes, if you're wondering, I am still using a pillow between my chest and the seat belt.

I go to see Dr.P on Friday and hopefully I will start expanding then or find out when I will start! If I do start expanding, I will take a bunch of pictures to explain how it works! Fingers crossed!

Catch everyone tomorrow! 

Blocking out the bad...

Happy Sunday, everyone!  I decided to back track in my story and explain more in depth about my stay-cation at Florida Hospital. I realized that I hadn't really talked that much about it, but that was because it sucked. It's interesting to look back and realize how much you can mentally block out without any effort.

This picture is here simply because it's hilarious and I can't wait for basketball season.

One of the many things that I mentally blocked out from the hospital was the cream that they used on my incisions. Nitroglycerin topical cream is actually used to prevent episodes of chest pain in people with heart disease, but in my case, it was used to help ease my surgical pain. I don't get it, how could a cream be traumatic? The particular cream has an interesting array of side effects, one of them being a head ache. I am not talking about the take two Advil and a nap kind of head ache, I am talking on the strongest pain medication in the hospital and still feel like your head could explode head ache. I had a head ache from the time I woke up from my surgery until after I took a shower the night I got home from the hospital. If you're going in for this procedure and your doctor uses that cream, I'll add no headache onto my list of prayers for you. 

Another thing that I mentally blocked out was exactly how much I struggled after my surgery. At that point, in my mind, getting out of bed was literally the hardest thing I had ever done. Hospital beds are pretty standard: Tons of buttons to raise your head, feet, back, butt, whatever, and even with all these buttons, I cried the first 2 days trying to get out of that bad boy. I had to raise the back of my bed all the way up, put the bottom of my bed all way down, and then have someone put their hand behind my back to help me lift myself up. After all of that effort, I still had to walk all 7 feet, which felt like 62 miles, to the bathroom, somehow sit on the toilet, have someone pass me the toilet paper that was a foot away, and help me stand back up. I was literally helpless and it was most definitely the roughest experience I've ever had and hopefully will ever have in my life. 

On a recent doctors visit, a nurse asked me my complications after surgery and I explained how low my blood pressure had gotten... the nurse responded with "Jeeze, that's almost dead." Thank you for that. 

Not all memories that I have from the hospital are bad. At one point, I had a super attractive random doctor, who was some how affiliated with Dr.P, walk into my room, talk to me for a while, and make me laugh. I recently told my mom that the least he could do was take me to dinner since he's already seen me half naked, but he hasn't called. Call me, haha.

Another funny memory I have from my surgery was when a doctor walked into my room while I was heavily medicated and half asleep and I thought he was my neighbor from back in Chapel Hill. The doctor walked in and I said "Kedar?" I was so confused as to why my neighbor was there and where he had come from, only to realize he was actually one of my doctors. To be fair, he really does look like my neighbors identical twin.  I had a good laugh about this after I was done feeling like a total idiot. 

I write the ups and downs for a reason. While I want you to fully grasp my experience, I also want everyone to take the time to acknowledge the little things. To us, things like walking to the bathroom, or being able to sit up in our bed aren't even a thought... but for others, they are laying in a bed wishing they could walk to the bathroom one more time in their life, or even sit up again. 

While I know that this process so far has changed me for the better on many levels, one things I can truly pride myself on is that I have learned to love life so much more. I do take the time to make a sandwich and then smile to myself and think, "Hey, you just did that all on your own." It is only when you begin to acknowledge the small things that you realize how incredible life really is! 

My song of the day is Krooked Treez-Rebel because I love this song!! Oh and because, I'm a rebel so I do what I want. 

These guys are super awesome so check them out, download their album... y'all know the drill. 

I hope everyone had an awesome weekend filled with good vibes, friends, sunshine, and funny stories! I also hope that everyone has a quick and painless Monday. See you tomorrow! 

Poop dust...

I hope that everyone got more sleep than I did last night or if you didn't, you were doing something more interesting than watching the Rock as a tooth fairy until 6 am. I had my first truly sleepless night through this process and needless to say, I am not a happy camper.

Last night, I went out to dinner with my dear friend, Diane, and had a grand old time at Buffalo Wild Wings. Diane has been one of my best friends since high school and I can always count on her for a night of adventure and laughter. 

We were lucky enough to catch the end of happy hour, so I had my first beer out since my surgery!

These crowns were randomly placed around the restaurant for children, so naturally we wore them throughout dinner. We obviously had a great time. 

After Diane dropped me off, I ended up falling asleep around 10:30 pm, and everything went downhill from there. I woke up right around 1 am, restlessly hung out until 6:30 am, ate half of a calzone because I was hungry and mad, and then finally fell back asleep after 7:30 this morning. My alarm to start my day went off an hour and half later and I just wanted to cry. Why didn't you just go back to sleep? Because I don't want tonight to be another sleepless, restless night. Duh. 

I started writing to explain what all I have accomplished today and how wonderful it was, despite my exhaustion, but I just really don't want to take the time to explain right now. I am tired. The worst part: My body is so tired that I probably wont be able to get off the couch, but my mind is going a mile a minute. I just want to sleep and am obviously grumpy. 

This is my life right now. Thank you, grumpy cat.

Also: sitting with your shoulders back like a proper southern girl actually pulls the crap out of your chest muscle. Who knew? Not this girl. On a scale of one to kill me now on the soreness scale, I am somewhere between crying like a baby and wanting to punch a hole in a wall.

It is an interesting experience to go from little miss sunshine one day to the grumpy cat the next, but I guess that's what soreness and lack of sleep will do to you! No worries, I will sleep tonight, and be back to my dorky, sarcastic self tomorrow. 

Song of the day is Tracy Chapman- Give me one reason for no reason at all besides I love a good Tracy jam sesh. So, give me one reason to stay here, and I'll turn right back around.

I am moving up in the world, so click here for the YouTube video. Right? Doing big things.

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful weekend with all of the sleep you desire. I also hope that all these people down in the Keys bring me back some lobsters. No...? Anyone...? Anyways, go drink a beer or 7 for me and have an awesome Saturday night! Catch everyone tomorrow. 

Sit up straight...

Happy Friday, y'all! It is safe to say that I am 'over the hump.' Yahoo!! Yesterday was difficult for me, as there were so many things that I wanted to do but weren't appropriate for safety reasons, so I definitely pouted. Luckily, I have the best sister and friends in the world to make today extra fabulous and make me finally feel really like myself again. 

See, I am back to my selfie-taking, smiling self! Bring on the beers! 

This morning my wonderful sister picked me up, treated me to lunch, and then took my over to meet Princess Kenzley Harper Hardenbergh. 

She is just the most precious little bundle of joy! Congratulations again to Zack and Julie on this little nugget! I love her! 

While I was hanging with Julie, Shelby, and Kenzley, my sister said to me "Does it hurt to sit up straight or something?" I thought to myself, "What are you talking about, Shelby?" Then I realized that I was walking around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Dear Lord. See, when I first got out of surgery my muscles in my chest were so tight that it was more comfortable to sit with my shoulders slouched, so I just stayed that way. Thank goodness my sister informed me that I was continuing to do it so I can quickly fix my posture. If you're getting this procedure, make sure you pay attention to that! I am now constantly reminding myself to sit up straight with my shoulders back.

After a car ride through traffic and an epic jam sesh to put a smile on my face, I came home. I had several packages waiting for me, which naturally would brighten anyways day! The first package was from my first friend at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, my shroomie, Krista Harrell and her fabulous mom, Paige. 

This picture is definitely a "flash back," as it is from our first semester as Tar Heels! Boy, how things have changed. They naturally sent me a 6 pack with snacks, which is extremely appropriate. Thank you so much ladies, I love you both!

The other package I received today was from Underground Printing and really warmed my heart! Elizabeth Flake and the folks at UGP wanted me to know that I had all kinds of people rooting for me back where my heart is, Chapel Hill. 

I can't wait to wear these bad boys, as Carolina will always have my heart and I would definitely always rather be in Chapel Hill...

In honor of this Carolina gear my song of the day is James Taylor- Gone to Carolina in my Mind. This song holds a special place in my heart because when I first toured Carolina before I even applied, it played on the radio as I drove off of campus that day, and it was that moment when I knew it was where I was meant to be!

If you don't know this song, come out from under the rock you're living under please. 

I hope everyone has a happy hour filled Friday and a wonderful, wonderful weekend!