All of the emotions...

I am just going to drive right into it, y'all...

My plan to write about the expanding process when I went to the doctor on Tuesday didn't occur because the expanding didn't occur. Well, half of it did. See, my right side has completely healed and my left side has not. I found out on Tuesday that instead of leaving with two spacers of 120 cc's in them, I would be leaving with one. Yes, that's right... one boob. Currently, the fluid isn't enough to make a noticeable difference and I still look completely flat chested, but I will have a time where it is noticeably different. Just what I needed through this 'easy' process, right?

What's happening on your left side? Oh, my left side of my body apparently hates me. That's right... 39 days after surgery I still have a large area that isn't healed. Cool. What are they going to do? I am having another procedure on Wednesday where they're going to cut away that area and then reseal my skin. Luckily, this one is just at the office with local anesthesia. 

What does this mean? Well it means all kinds of super fun stuff. Not. See, when they do the mastectomy they leave 'flaps' of skin so that your boobs look as natural as possible when the process is over. By flaps, I mean the skin is kind of loose to give the tear-drop effect of a 'normal-looking' boob. Since my left side has been healing for so long, my flaps are starting to grow back. It's basically like when you lose weight and your skin is looser for a little while and then eventually tightens up! What does it mean now that my flaps are tightening to my chest? It means that my doctor will be 'aggressively expanding' on my right side and on my left side, it will have to heal and then they will begin rapid expansion.  Rapid expansion on either side means more pain and swelling.

You're either thinking two things right now... one being "wow, that sucks" or the other being "what's the big deal? You can put a sock in your bra on the left side until your chest evens out and take some advil." If you're one of the people thinking 'what's the big deal?' You better not say that to my face, because I might kick you. 

One of the first things that sucks about having this extra procedure (besides the procedure itself) and prolonged process, is no longer getting to be a part of one of my best friends weddings. As if I haven't had enough, I had to take the time to explain to one of my best friends that I would not be walking down the isle with her, 3 weeks before her wedding, because I've had another thing go wrong. Thankfully, she is a wonderful person and completely understands all of my complications and my efforts to try to be a part of her special day have just fallen short. 

Another thing that totally sucks is that I just want this to be over with already. I literally feel trapped inside my own body. I went to my cousins house yesterday to hang out and make dinner and had to leave before dinner was even ready because the swelling and pain was so bad that I couldn't handle it any longer. I just want to be normal. I want to go to dinner with my friends and not have to worry about someone bumping into me, I want to be in my friends wedding, and I want to go to the beach when it's 100 degrees outside. I mean can a girl live a little or what?

I find myself feeling completely hopeless in that I just want to have one day of normalcy, just one. Instead, I am having to do things like debate a weekend at the beach with my family because of the potential to be sore and swollen. Or even worse, if I had to take away from the family fun for someone to take care of me. Dear lord, if I could have anything... it would be to at least be to be able to take care of myself right now. I went from being completely independent to completely dependent. For all my independent friends out there, I'm sure thinking about that just kicked your anxiety into high gear. 

I realized that I was hiding from my blog. What do you mean hiding? I wanted to continue to be seen as the strong, independent woman that I am, but if I am being with honest with myself and you all... that's not who I am right now. In order to keep pushing through this process, I had to admit that to you and myself, and then quickly remind myself that I will again be that person. Soon enough. 

While I am being completely honest, I have cried writing this entire post because that's how much this process is just mentally kicking my butt right now. I have to realize that I am not unbreakable and can't carry the weight of the world, even though I would like to... 

I don't want anyone to start feeling bad for me, as that is not the reason for this raw post. I also don't want to scare anyone away from this process because through all of the emotions that I have had so far, not even for one second have I regretted my decision. I have had way more bumps in the road than your average Joe, making this journey extra mentally and physically exhausting. 

What am I going to do now? I am going to keep writing. Maybe not every day, but I will keep writing my journey. I am also going to walk out into my kitchen and eat the biggest spoon full of Nutella in the world as a reward for finally mustering up the courage to tell everyone that I am struggling right now. Don't worry-- I know that soon enough this will all be a faint memory and I will be looking forward to a long and healthy life. 

My song of the day is Clean Bandit- Rather be, because it is so fun to listen to as loud as possible in my car. Check it out!

Thanks for sticking with me through all of this... you're the best <3